[Tom Houlihan]

A little girl asked her father, 'How did the human race appear?' The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.

The mother answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her father and said, 'Dad how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?'

The father answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your mother told you about hers.'
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The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer. The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which He did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where Are your testicles?" The old Chief calmly replied, " Vietnam ."
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Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R
Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."
Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."
Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great."
Pause...
Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"
Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE."
Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your little hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us -- "