[Tom Houlihan]

There were Five country churches in a small TEXAS town:
The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Church of Christ, the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels. One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistry and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Church of Christ got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But --The Catholic CHURCH came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
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An old man approached an attractive younger woman inside the mall.
'Excuse me,' he said. 'I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Sure, Do you know where your wife might be?'
'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she usually appears out of nowhere.'
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Forget Rednecks ... here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about New Englanders:

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live in New England.
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you live in New England.
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in New England.
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in New England.
If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of New York City for the weekend, you live in New England.
If you measure distance in hours, you live in New England.
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in New England.
If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you live in New England.
If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in New England.
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you live in New England.
If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you live in New England.
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live in New England.
If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you live in New England.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you live in New England.
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you live in New England.
If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you live in New England.
If you find 10 degrees 'a little chilly', you live in New England .
If there's a Dunkin Donuts on every corner, you live in New England.
If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your New England friends and others, you live in New England.