[Tom Houlihan]

WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You
have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his
technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's
done.'
The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, 'Considering all
these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong? ' The
Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly
replied.
'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty
buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man
free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'
Then the chief leaned back and smiled 'Only white man dumb enough to think
he could improve system like that.'

Classic Affairs
The 1st Affair:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, 'Not this time!'

The 3rd Affair:
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated wit h such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have to show you something you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead?!?! '

The 4th Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue.' she replied. 'The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too.' No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
Here, he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair:
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One cent?' the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied, 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked, 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied, 'The same thing I'm do ing to his business down here.'

The 6th Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, ' I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to,' his wife replied.
No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know, I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

Mad Wife Disease
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a
magazine.
'What was that for?' he asked.
'That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,' she replied.
'Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,' he explained.
'Oh honey, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a good explanation!
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, 'What the hell was that for?'
She replied... 'Your horse called.'
**********************
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.
The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says: Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.

Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm

The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land'

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab Sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.

Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the place.

The first man is really amazed out by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'
The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a bomb.'

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'

The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'

The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'

The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud . I will race you around the farmhouse, whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'

The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'

The old rooster takes off running About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farm -house and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,

Darn it ..... third gay rooster I bought this month.'

Moral of this story.... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance

A Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks THE question....
WIFE: 'What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: 'Definitely not!'
WIFE: 'Why not? Don't you like being married?'
HUSBAND: 'Of course I do.'
WIFE: 'Then why wouldn't you remarry?'
HUSBAND: 'Okay, okay, I'd get married again.'
WIFE: 'You would?' (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: 'Would you live in our house?'
HUSBAND: 'Sure, it's a great house.'
WIFE: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'
HUSBAND: 'Where else would we sleep?'
WIFE: 'Would you let her drive my car?'
HUSBAND: 'Probably, it is almost new.'
WIFE: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'
HUSBAND: 'That would seem like the proper thing to do'
WIFE: 'Would you give her my jewelry?'
HUSBAND : 'No, I'm sure she'd want her own.'
WIFE: 'Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: 'Yes, those are always good times.'
WIFE: 'Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: 'No, she's left-handed.'
WIFE: ----- silence ------
HUSBAND: 'Shit.'