Just jokes...

[Aussie Dave]

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because,
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms......
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team.
Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
(They actually sided with the law!)



These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them CONGRATULATIONS!

[Klaus]

Damn! Ten years to late! But a lot sounds very familiar. Except for the Baseball bit. Didn't have that when I was young.

[Aussie Dave]

Here is another GWB joke:

President George W Bush was visiting a elementary school, and he went into one of the classes.
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'"
"No," said President Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the President "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered.
President Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...In a quiet voice he said:
"If the aeroplane carrying you and Mrs Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy?"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed President Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a fu**ing accident either."

[Klaus]

[Jim O]

I'm a child born in the late 1950's and it all rings so true. [SARCASM]It is amazing that we survived![/SARCASM] It's not that there weren't weirdos and pedophiles around, but we all knew who they were and knew to stay away from them. Heck, I rode the New York City subways alone from the time I was 12 or 13, and commuted on the subway to high school.

[Jim O]

Originally Posted by Aussie Dave

Here is another GWB joke:

President George W Bush was visiting a elementary school, and he went into one of the classes.
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'"
"No," said President Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the President "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered.
President Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...In a quiet voice he said:
"If the aeroplane carrying you and Mrs Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy?"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed President Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a fu**ing accident either."

And that Dick Cheney would become president...

[McCoy]

It's 1880, the decade of gunslingers and gentlemen. This is a
story of one such young man that wanted more than anything to
be the fastest and most respected gunslinger in the west.

The place was Dodge City, Kansas in the Sawdust Saloon. The
young man walked into the Sawdust Saloon and, to his surprise,
saw Wyatt Earp sitting at a table playing poker. The young man
walked up to Wyatt and said, "Mr. Earp, I would like to be a
gunslinger just like you. Could you give me some tips?"

Wyatt put his cards down, looked up at the boy and said, "Son,
I don't usually give out tips like this cause it could someday
be detrimental to my health, but step back and let me take a
look at you."

The boy stepped back and Mr. Earp said, "You look good.
You're wearing black, you've got two ivory handled guns with
waxed holsters, and you look like a gunslinger. But what's
more important, son, is: Can you shoot?"

The young man, happy to show how good he was, quickly drew his
pistol from his right holster and without aiming shot the cuff
link off of the piano player's right sleeve.

Wyatt said, "That's good shooting son, but can you shoot with
your left hand?"

Before Earp could even finish, the boy had already drawn the
pistol from his left holster and shot the cuff link off of the
piano player's left shirt sleeve. Very proud of himself the
young man blew the smoke away from his six shooter and
holstered his gun. "How was that?" the boy asked.

Wyatt smiled and looked up and the boy and said, "That was
pretty good shooting son. I couldn't do better than that
myself, but I do have one good tip for you."

"What's that?" the boy asked.

"I suggest that you go to the kitchen and ask the cook for a
large can of lard. Then take both guns of yours and stick them
down deep into the lard."

Puzzled the young gunslinger asked why he should do that.

Earp put his cards down again, leaned back in his chair, and
said, "Well son, when Doc Holliday gets done playing the piano
over there, he's going to take those two guns of yours and. . . "

The boy didn't wait for the rest of the answer.

[McCoy]

An Australian Combat Field Engineer Sergeant and a U.S Marine
were on exchange duty and were sharing the latrines.

The Aussie Sergeant finished first and walked out without
washing his hands. The U.S Marine watched in disgust, finished
his squirt, washed his hands and walked up to the Aussie
Sergeant and said. " In the U.S Marine Corps we were taught to
wash our hands after a leak".

The rather large Aussie Sergeant replied, " In the Australian
Army mate, we were taught not to piss on our hands ...! "

[McCoy]

A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her left
index finger blown off.

"How did this happen?" the doctor asked. "Well I was trying to
commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?"

"No silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought, "I
just paid $6,000 for these," then I put it in my mouth and I
thought, "I just paid $4,000 to get my teeth straightened."

So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought, "this is going
to make a loud noise," so I put my finger in my ear before I
pulled the trigger"

[Tom Houlihan]

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, You are the woman of my life. I love you. Then we made love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mothers house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, “What's for dinner, Batman?”
*******************
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. **************
Why it's important to understand English
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. I stood in the short line.
Just one lady in front of me . . . an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars, and she was a little irritated. She kept asking the teller, "Why it change?? Why it change?? Why it change??"
Then she continued, "Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get ony hunat eighty dolla?? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, simply and carefully, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady glares at the banker, "Fluc you white people, too!"
************
SITTING BEHIND A COUPLE OF NUNS AT A Detroit Red Wing Hockey GAME
(WHOSE HABITS PARTIALLY BLOCKED THEIR VIEW), THREE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS IN AN EFFORT TO GET THEM TO MOVE.

IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, 'I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH , THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE.'

THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID, 'I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA , THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE.'

THE THIRD GUY SAID, 'I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO , THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING THERE.'

ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET, CALM VOICE SAID, 'WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE.'
*************
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
********************
A little girl walks in to the sitting room one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper.
She asks 'Daddy, where does poo come from?'
The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:
'Well you know we just ate breakfast?'
'Yes,' answers the girl.
'Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies squeeze out all the good stuff, and then all of the bad that is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo.'
The little girl looks shocked, and stares, at him with watery eyes in stunned silence for a few seconds then asks:
'So where does Tigger come from then?'