Just jokes...

[Tom Houlihan]

A little girl asked her father, 'How did the human race appear?' The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.

The mother answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her father and said, 'Dad how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom said they developed from monkeys?'

The father answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your mother told you about hers.'
*********************
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer. The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which He did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where Are your testicles?" The old Chief calmly replied, " Vietnam ."
*********************
Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R
Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."
Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."
Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great."
Pause...
Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"
Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE."
Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your little hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us -- "

[Tom Houlihan]

There were Five country churches in a small TEXAS town:
The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Church of Christ, the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels. One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistry. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistry and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Church of Christ got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But --The Catholic CHURCH came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
*************
An old man approached an attractive younger woman inside the mall.
'Excuse me,' he said. 'I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Sure, Do you know where your wife might be?'
'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she usually appears out of nowhere.'
************
Forget Rednecks ... here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about New Englanders:

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live in New England.
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you live in New England.
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in New England.
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in New England.
If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of New York City for the weekend, you live in New England.
If you measure distance in hours, you live in New England.
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in New England.
If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you live in New England.
If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in New England.
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you live in New England.
If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you live in New England.
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live in New England.
If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you live in New England.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you live in New England.
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you live in New England.
If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you live in New England.
If you find 10 degrees 'a little chilly', you live in New England .
If there's a Dunkin Donuts on every corner, you live in New England.
If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your New England friends and others, you live in New England.

[Tom Houlihan]

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my friends generous genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

[Jim O]

Originally Posted by Tom Houlihan

Forget Rednecks ... here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about New Englanders:

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you live in New England.
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you live in New England.
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in New England.
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in New England.
If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of New York City for the weekend, you live in New England.
If you measure distance in hours, you live in New England.
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in New England.
If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you live in New England.
If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in New England.
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you live in New England.
If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you live in New England.
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live in New England.
If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you live in New England.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you live in New England.
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you live in New England.
If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you live in New England.
If you find 10 degrees 'a little chilly', you live in New England .
If there's a Dunkin Donuts on every corner, you live in New England.
If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your New England friends and others, you live in New England.

Or at least used to live there.

[McCoy]

A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring. So
she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was
anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."

"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your
husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000
down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for
extras."

"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new
sports car!"

"Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"

[McCoy]

A duck walks into a bar, sits down at the barstool, and waits
for the bartender.

The bartender walks up, hands the duck a menu, waits a while,
and comes back to take his order. "What'll it be?" the
bartender says.

The duck says, "I think I'll have the grapes." "Well, I'm
sorry sir, but this is a bar, we don't serve grapes here. Now,
I'll let you look a bit longer and wave when you know what you
want."

The duck looks at the menu, then waves the bartender down.
"Ok, you got your order?" The duck nods, saying, "I'll think
I'll have the grapes."

The bartender, kind of peeved from the duck, says, "Look Mac,
we don't have any grapes here. This is a bar. We don't serve
grapes, so what will you have?!"

The duck looks at him in the eyes and says, "I'll have the
grapes."

The bartender, enraged, shouts, "If you ask for the grapes one
more time I'm going to nail your feathered a** to the
barstool!!"

The bartender cools off a bit. "Now what will you have?!"
"Got any nails?" "OF COURSE WE DON'T HAVE ANY NAILS! WHAT DO
YOU THINK THIS IS? A HARDWARE STORE?"

"Good, got any grapes?"

[McCoy]

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver
and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a
little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the
crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I
wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head up and
down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey nods his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand
and turned it up to his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer. The monkey nods his
head "Yes."

"What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held
them to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?" The monkey nods his head "Yes."

"What else?" The monkey motioned "kissing."

"They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer. The
monkey nods his head "Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and
kissing before they wrecked." The monkey nods his head "Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?" "Driving" motioned the
monkey.

[Airchallenged]

Originally Posted by Jim O

Or at least used to live there.

Or all relatives live there!

[McCoy]

Ah Rednecks. Well it's time for the annual Census form.



The official year 2008 Redneck Census Form:

Last name: _______________________ First name: (Check
appropriate box) (_)Billy-Bob (_)Billy-Joe (_)Billy-Ray
(_)Billy-Sue (_)Billy-Mae (_)Billy-Jack

What does everyone call you? (_)Booger (_)Bubba (_)Junior
(_)Sissy (_)Other____________

Age:____ (if unsure,guess)

Sex:____ M ____ F ____Not sure

Shoe size:____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:(Check appropriate box) (_)Farmer (_)Mechanic
(_)Hair Dresser (_)Unemployed (_)Dirty Politician (_)Preacher

Spouse's Name:_____________

2nd Spouse's Name:_______________

3rd Spouse's Name:_______________

Lover's Name:_______________

Relationship with spouse:(Check appropriate box) (_)Sister
(_)Brother (_)Aunt (_)Uncle (_)Cousin (_)Mother (_)Father
(_)Son (_)Daughter (_)Pet

Number of children living in the home:_____

Number of the children living in the shed:_____

Number that are yours:_____

Mother's Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Father's Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade commpleted)

(Check appropriate box) Total number of vehicles you own:___
Number of vehicles that still crank:___ Number of vehicles in
front yard:___ Number of vehicles in the back yard:___ Number
of vehicles on cement blocks:___

Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____truck ____bedroom
____bathroom ____kitchen ____shed

Model and year of your pickup:196_

Do you have a gun rack? (_)Yes (_)No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_)The National Enquirer
(_)The Globe (_)TV Guide (_)Soap Opera Digest (_)Rifle and
Shotgun

Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____ Number of times in the
last 5 years you've seen Elvis:___ Number of times you've seen
Elvis in a UFO:____

How often do you bathe? (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable

Color of eyes: Left_____ Right_____

Color of hair: (_)Blond (_)Black (_)Red (_)Brown (_)White
(_)Clairol

Color of teeth: (_)White (_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown
(_)Black (_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?

(_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)just a whoop-and-a-holler (_)road?

[McCoy]

An old couple was sitting around one evening and he says
to his wife, "Sarah, we are about to celebrate our 50th wedding
anniversary, so tell me, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

She hesitated a while and said, "Yes, 3 times." "Three times!?
how did it happen?" he asks.

"Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were
broke and the bank was going to foreclose on our little house?"
"Yes, that was really a terrible time."

"Okay, well do you remember when I went to see the banker and
the next day he extended our loan? "It is hard to believe," he
said, "but I guess it really was for us and I can forgive you."

She continued, "And do you remember years later when you almost
died from the heart problem because we couldn't afford the
operation?" "Of course I remember."

"Well, then you also remember that right after I went to see
the doctor he did your operation at no cost?" "Yes," he said,
"that shocks me too but I understand you did it because of your
love for me and I forgive you.

But tell me, what was the third time?"

She responded, "Do you remember when you ran for Club
president... and needed 23 more votes?"