Just jokes...

[McCoy]

What doctors say, and what they're really thinking:

"This should be taken care of right away." I'd planned a trip
to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I
want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Welllllll, what have we here...?" He has no idea and is hoping
you'll give him a clue.

"Let me check your medical history." I want to see if you've
paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week." I'm
playing golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of time. --or-- I
need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

"We have some good news and some bad news." The good news is,
I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to
pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops." Maybe in a few days it will grow
into something that can be cured.

"Let me schedule you for some tests." I have a forty percent
interest in the lab.

"I'd like to have my associate look at you." He's going through
a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug." I'm writing a paper and
would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." I don't
know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound." I think I'm going to
throw up.

"This may smart a little." Last week two patients bit off their
tongues.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?" I'm
stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

"This should fix you up." The drug company slipped me some big
bucks to prescribe this stuff.

"Everything seems to be normal." Rats! I guess I can't buy that
new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests." I can't figure out what's
wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your
nerves?" You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only
find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...

"There is a lot of that going around." My God, that's the third
one this week. I'd better learn something about this.

"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment." I've
never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I'm off next
week.

[McCoy]

A few more golf jokes!

1. Q. Why do golfers carry two pairs of trousers with them?
A. Just in case they get a hole in one.


2. Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!"
Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, sir!"


3. Golfer: "My wife says if I don't stop playing golf she's
going to leave me!"
Caddy: "I'm sure you will miss her terribly, sir!"


4. Golfer: "Well caddy, do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good, sir! But personally I prefer golf."

[McCoy]

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement
that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he
suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.

Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth."
The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his
pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he
said.

The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said. The man then
said, "I have another pair...try these." The speaker tried them
and responded, "Too tight." The man was not taken back at all.
He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth...try them."

The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his
meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over,
the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I
want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office?
I've been looking for a good dentist."

The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local
undertaker."

[McCoy]

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr.
Smith looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of
the engines just caught fire!" Other passengers left their
seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked
by a second blast as yet another engine caught fire on the
other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the
flight attendants couldn't maintain order.

Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot
strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was
nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor made most of
the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot
calmly walked to the door of the aircraft.

There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and
began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member
attached one of the packages to their backs. "Say," an alert
passenger spoke up, "aren't those parachutes?" The pilot said
they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there
was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded.
"We're going to get help."

[McCoy]

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only
one could go, but with one catch - he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted
to be paid for going. "One million dollars," he answered,
"because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He
asked for two million. "I want to give a million to my family,"
he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement
of medical research." The last applicant was a lawyer. When
asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the
interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you
$1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer."

[McCoy]

Things Not To Say During Sex

Girls shouldn't say:

You woke me up for that?
Do you smell something burning?
Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
Got any penicillin?
Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
I want a baby!
But everybody looks funny naked!
Did I mention the video camera?
So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
Did I remember to take my pill?
That leak better be from the waterbed!
I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
If you quit smoking you might have more endurance...
You're almost as good as my ex!
Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
You look younger than you feel.
Perhaps you're just out of practice.
You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
What tampon?
I have a confession...
I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
Did I mention my transsexual operation?
Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
Hic! I need another beer for this please
I think biting is romantic- don't you?
When would you like to meet my parents?
Mabye it would help if I thought about someone I really like?
Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off.
Do you have a light?
Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...

-------------------------------

Guys shouldn't say:

A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
(in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
Can you please pass me the remote control?
Do you accept Visa?
On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
(holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
Do you get any premium movie channels?
But I just brushed my teeth...
I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
I think you have it on backwards.
When is this supposed to feel good?
Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
You're good enough to do this for a living!
Is that blood on the headboard?
Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
I wish we got the Playboy channel...
No, really...
I do this part better myself!
It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
This would be more fun with a few more people...
That you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
Now I know why he dumped you...
Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
Have you ever considered liposuction?
And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
What are you planning to make for breakfast?
Are those real or am I just behind the times?
Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
You'll still vote for me, won't you?
I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
Does this count as a date?
You can cook, too right?
Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
Is this a sin too?
I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
Long kisses clog my sinuses...
How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
You mean you're NOT my blind date?

[McCoy]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She
wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but
was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors
were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of
one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go
out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at
a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll
luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on
catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots
the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in
hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming
quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of
effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were
several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips
the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, -
"Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!!!"

[McCoy]

The truck driver stopped to picked up the girl hitchhiker in
short shorts.

"Say, what's your name, mister?" she inquired, after she
climbed up in the truck.

"It's Snow, Roy Snow," he answered, "and what's yours?"

"I'm June, June Hansen," she said. "Hey, why do you keep
sizing me up with those sidelong glances?" she challenged the
trucker some miles down the road.

"Can you imagine what it might be like," he countered with a
question of his own, "having eight inches of Snow in June?"

[McCoy]

Chatting with a bull, a turkey sighed and said, "I would love
to be able to get to the top of that tree, but I haven't got
the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied
the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually
gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, the turkey reached
the second branch. Finally, after a week, there he was, proudly
perched at the top of the tree.

Soon, though, the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer, who
shot the turkey from the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it
won't keep you there!

[McCoy]

Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just
starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the
fairway and began to sob uncontrollably.

The other three gathered around him and asked: Whats wrong? Bob
looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then
apologized for his emotional outburst. Im sorry, I always get
emotional at this hole - it holds very difficult memories for
me.

One of his buddies asked: What happened? What could have gotten
you so upset?

Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low
voice, This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago
when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at this very
hole!

Oh my God, the other golfers said; That must have been
horrible!

Horrible? You think it`s horrible? Bob cried in disbelief; It
was worse than that!!!!

Every hole for the rest of the day, all the way back to the
clubhouse it was hit the ball, drag Alice, hit the ball, drag
Alice...