Just jokes...

[McCoy]

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely
evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me
terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist
and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or
two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute. Listen to my
side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was
late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to
the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with
both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get
my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.

When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people
waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started
waiting on these people and all the time the darn phone was
ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels
against the cash register drawer to make change, and they
spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees
to pick up the nickels-the phone is still ringing.

When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer,
which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of
perfume bottles on it and half of them hit the floor and broke.
The phone is still ringing with no let up and I finally got
back to answer it. It was your wife -- she wanted to know how
to use a rectal thermometer. And Mister, I TOLD HER!"

[Tom Houlihan]

Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him
concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster
and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended. You gotta love the Marines!

[Jim O]

Originally Posted by Tom Houlihan

Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him
concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster
and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended. You gotta love the Marines!

Like so many stories that circulate around the "Internets" this is another one that is total rubbish. See snopes.com: General Reinwald Remark, NPR interview with General Reinwald-Fiction!, About NPR: NPR Hoax E-mail "The Reporter and General Reinwald", Issue 79 - December 2007 - Page 3.

[Tom Houlihan]

Damn.

Well, it sounded good!

[McCoy]

Here's a sure-fire set of tests to check your parenting
abilitites. This is about as close as you can get to the real
deal! :)

MESS TEST - Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place
a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST - Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may
substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over
the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or
kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at
night.

GROCERY STORE TEST - Borrow one or two small animals (goats are
best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in
sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST - Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff
into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST - Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway
with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the
jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the
mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now, dump
the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST - Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it
with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At
3:00pm, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay
down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pm. Get up, pick up
your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up
about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am. Set alarm
for 5:00 am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5
years. Look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST - Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors
and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet
paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use
only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton,
a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact
replica of the Eiffel Tower.

AUTOMOBILE TEST - Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy
a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player.
Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them
into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the
car. There! Perfect.

PHYSICAL TEST (Women) - Obtain a large bean bag chair and
attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9
months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (Men) - Go to the nearest drug store. Set your
wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now
proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and
arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the
store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for
the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT - Find a couple who already have a small
child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline,
patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners.
Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they
should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this
experience. It will be the last time you will have all the
answers!

[McCoy]

One of Microsoft Network's finest support techs was drafted
into the Army and sent to boot camp.

At the rifle range, he was given some instructions, handed a
rifle, and a couple rounds of ammo. He loaded the rifle and
fired several shots at the target which was fifty yards away.

The report came from the target area that all of his attempts
had completely missed the target.

The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He
looked at the rifle again, and then once more at the target. He
placed his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed
the trigger with his other hand.

The end of his finger was blown off -- whereupon he yelled
toward the target area...

"It's leaving here just fine; the trouble must be at your
end!"

[McCoy]

There once was an old lady who went to the doctor and
told the doctor, "I have a farting problem, but they are
silent and they don't stink, I must have farted about ten times
and you didn't even notice." The doctor just put some drops in
her nose and told her she can go home. The next day the old lady
came back and told the doctor, "Well my farts are still silent,
but they stink like hell. The doctor said, "Great, your sinuses
are cleared, now for your hearing."

[McCoy]

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an
electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's
electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the
clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's
position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a
hand-written sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The
pilot's sign read "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft,
drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign
read "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER". The pilot smiled, waved, looked
at his map, determined the course to steer to the
Seattle-Tacoma airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how
the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their
position.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the Microsoft
building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a
technically correct but completely useless answer."

[McCoy]

What Men Are Really Saying:

"I'm going fishing." Really means "I'm going to drink myself
dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my
hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Let's take your car." Really means "Mine is full of beer cans
and burger wrappers and is completely out of gas."

"Woman driver." Really means "Someone who doesn't speed,
tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving
record than me."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender,
gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides
white."

"It's a guy thing." Really means "There is no rational thought
pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of
making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" Really means "Why isn't it already on
the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really mean Absolutely
nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog
drooling.

"Good idea." Really means "It'll never work. And I'll spend the
rest of the day gloating."

"Have you lost weight?" Really means "I've just spent our last
$30 on a cordless drill."

"My wife doesn't understand me." Really means "She's heard all
my stories before and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain." Really means "I have no
idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means "The batteries
in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done." Really means "I found 'Waldo' in almost
every picture."

"We're going to be late." Really means "Now I have a legitimate
excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Hey, I've read all the classics." Really means "I've been
subscribing to Playboy since 1972."

"You cook just like my mother used to." Really means "She used
the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my
mind." Really means "I was wondering if that redhead over there
is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means "I
can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear." Really means "Are you still
talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means "I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me." Really means "You want me to stay
awake."

"It's a really good movie." Really means "It's got guns,
knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work." Really means "It's difficult, dirty, and
thankless."

"Will you marry me?" Really means "Both my roommates have moved
out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut
butter."

"Go ask your mother." Really means "I am incapable of making a
decision."

"You know how bad my memory is." Really means "I remember the
theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever
kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've
ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you and got you these roses." Really
means "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Football is a man's game." Really means "Women are generally
too smart to play it."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really
means "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death
before I admit I'm hurt."

"I do help around the house." Really means "I once put a dirty
towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it." Really means "It didn't fall into my
outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?" Really means "What did you catch me
at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?" Really means "You
just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"She's one of those rabid feminists." Really means "She refused
to make my coffee."

"But I hate to go shopping." Really means "Because I always
wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car." Really means "You may
actually get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys." Really
means "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative
stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing,
pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you." Really means "I haven't the foggiest clue what
you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it
well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at
me."

"You know I could never love anyone else." Really means "I am
used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific." Really means "Oh, God, please don't try on
one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present." Really means "It was Free Ice
Scraper Night at the ball game."

"I missed you." Really means "I can't find my sock drawer, the
kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means "No
one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework." Really means "I make the messes, she
cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious." Really means "I
like you more than my truck."

"I recycle." Really means "We could pay the rent with the money
from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful." Really means
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night." Really means "I suppose you're
going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"It's good beer." Really means "It was on sale."

"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means "I am
perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later." Really means "If I wait
long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant." Really means "Someplace
that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

"I broke up with her." Really means "She dumped me."

[McCoy]

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter,
so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not
very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"

The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the
offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the
reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria
and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.

The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"

St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows
how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of
time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."

The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the
clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?

St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it
speeds his clock."

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around
the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of
the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an
unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that
clock?"

"Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's OJ Simpson's clock. We
decided to use it as a fan!"