Just jokes...

[McCoy]

Employee Reviews

1. I would not allow this employee to breed.
2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.
3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
4. When she stops to open her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.
5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
9. This employee should go far and sooner he starts, the better.
10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
11. The biggest tool in the shed.
12. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't looking.
13. A room temperature IQ.
14. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.
15. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
16. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
17. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
20. Fell out of the family tree.
21. Bright as Alaska in December.
22. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
23. Has two brains: one is lost; and the other is looking for it.
24. If brains were taxed she would get a refund.
25. If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week.
26. He's so dense light bends around him.
27. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts you would get change.
28. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
29. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
30. One neuron short of a synapse.
31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.
32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
33. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
34. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
35. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

[McCoy]

Two Guys are getting charged with drug dealing.
In court the Judge tells both of em, "I will give you
two the weekend to go out there and convince as
many people as you can to quit drugs forever.
The Two Men go "Ok" They come back on Monday
and the first drug dealer goes "This weekend I got
10 people to quit drugs forever. The Judge Replies
"How did you do that?" He Goes "I drew a small
circle and a big circle, and i pointed to the small circle
and said this is your brain on drugs"....
Then the second drug dealer goes "Oh yeah, This weekend
I got 100 people to quit drugs forever". The Judge says
surprised. "Holy shit how did you do that?".. The second
drug dealer goes..."I did the same thing, I drew a big circle
and a small circle but I pointed to the small circle and said
this is your ******* before prison.

[Tom Houlihan]

WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You
have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his
technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's
done.'
The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, 'Considering all
these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong? ' The
Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly
replied.
'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty
buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man
free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'
Then the chief leaned back and smiled 'Only white man dumb enough to think
he could improve system like that.'

Classic Affairs
The 1st Affair:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'
'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, 'Not this time!'

The 3rd Affair:
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated wit h such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have to show you something you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead?!?! '

The 4th Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. 'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
'Oh it's a statue.' she replied. 'The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too.' No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
Here, he said to the statue, 'have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair:
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One cent?' the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied, 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked, 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied, 'The same thing I'm do ing to his business down here.'

The 6th Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, ' I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to,' his wife replied.
No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know, I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

Mad Wife Disease
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a
magazine.
'What was that for?' he asked.
'That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,' she replied.
'Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,' he explained.
'Oh honey, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a good explanation!
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, 'What the hell was that for?'
She replied... 'Your horse called.'
**********************
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.
The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says: Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.

Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm

The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land'

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab Sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.'
'I like it!' says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.

Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the place.

The first man is really amazed out by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'
The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a bomb.'

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'

The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'

The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.'

The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud . I will race you around the farmhouse, whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.'

The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'

The old rooster takes off running About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farm -house and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,

Darn it ..... third gay rooster I bought this month.'

Moral of this story.... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance

A Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks THE question....
WIFE: 'What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: 'Definitely not!'
WIFE: 'Why not? Don't you like being married?'
HUSBAND: 'Of course I do.'
WIFE: 'Then why wouldn't you remarry?'
HUSBAND: 'Okay, okay, I'd get married again.'
WIFE: 'You would?' (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: 'Would you live in our house?'
HUSBAND: 'Sure, it's a great house.'
WIFE: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'
HUSBAND: 'Where else would we sleep?'
WIFE: 'Would you let her drive my car?'
HUSBAND: 'Probably, it is almost new.'
WIFE: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'
HUSBAND: 'That would seem like the proper thing to do'
WIFE: 'Would you give her my jewelry?'
HUSBAND : 'No, I'm sure she'd want her own.'
WIFE: 'Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: 'Yes, those are always good times.'
WIFE: 'Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: 'No, she's left-handed.'
WIFE: ----- silence ------
HUSBAND: 'Shit.'

[Tom Houlihan]

A man owned a large farm in Iowa. The State Wage and Hour
Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,"
demanded the agent.

"Well, there are my hired hands. One has been with me for four
years; the other for three. I pay them each $600 a week, plus
free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months,
and I pay her $500 a month plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit that works here about 18 hours a day.
He takes home $10 a week and I buy him a bottle of bourbon
every week to keep him going," replied the farmer.

"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," said the
agent.

The farmer said, "That would be me."

[Tom Houlihan]

Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Mc Cain were
flying to a debate.

Barack looked at Hillary, Chuckled and said, "You know I could throw a
$1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills
out of the window and make ten people very happy."

John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out
of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his copilot,
"Such big-shots back there. I could throw all three of them out of the
window and make 156 million people very happy."


I'm voting for the Pilot

[Tom Houlihan]

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their rabbi for counseling. The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men,
and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together, like the rest of the world."

"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."

"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah a good thing within marriage,
to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man

"No problem," says the rabbi "It's a mitzvah!"

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"

"Doggy style?"

"Sure! Another mitzvah!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators,
a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No." says the rabbi."

"Why not?" asks the man.

"Could lead to dancing!"

[McCoy]

There was this girl on holiday in Miami. However, as she walked
along the beach eyeing the big-bosomed girls walking arm-in-arm
with their boyfriends, she became distraught, for she had a
rather insignificant pair of jugs. Suddenly, she spied a murky
old bottle that had washed up on the beach, and for want of
alternative amusement, picked it up. Poof! Out emerged a genie,
who immediately offered to grant her any two wishes that she
desired. "Then, give me two of the biggest tits in the whole,
wide world", she requested. The genie uttered "your wish is my
command" and wiggled his finger. Woosh!! Woosh!! Immediately
before her eyes, appeared Tony Blair and George Bush !

[McCoy]

One Day God created Adam.

Adam was happy and perfect.

But one day he got lonely and asked God to

make him a partner.

God said: I'll give you a beautiful woman who

is smart and will love you a lot, but you

have to give me your legs.

Adam still wanted his legs so he refused.

Well, then I'll give you a not so smart woman

but she'll still love you and be beautiful, but

you have to give me your arm.

Adam was still unsure.

Ummm, God what can I get for a rib?

[McCoy]

Sven and Olie died and went to Hell. After awhile, the Devil
came by to see how his new guests were doing. To his amazement,
he found Sven and Olie were still wearing their winter gear and
seemed to be quite comfortable. The Devil asked why they
weren't hot.

Olie replied, "We come from Minnesota where it's always cold.
This is feeling pretty good to us." This upset the Devil, so he
turned up the thermostat. Awhile later the Devil looked in
again on Sven and Olie. To his surprise he found they were
still wearing their winter gear. The Devil questioned them on
it again. "You have to remember that we are from Minnesota and
it's very, very cold there. This is feeling nice to us."

The Devil was even madder at this, so he turned the thermostat
all the way up to maximum temperature. The Devil waited some
time and then went back to Sven and Olie. This time he found
they had only unzipped their coats, but still had all their
winter clothes on. The Devil couldn't understand what was going
on. The punishment down here was supposed to be the unbearable
heat. It wasn't working on these two. He had to ask again what
the deal was. Sven replied, "We are Minnesotans and we just got
over a freezing winter. This is really great for Olie and Me.

A light flickered in the Devil's mind. He went to the
thermostat and turned it off. He thought if the heat wasn't a
punishment, maybe he'd give them some freezing temperatures. A
little while later the Devil came back to check in on Sven and
Olie only to find them cheering and giving each other high
fives, happier than ever! The Devil questioned them on their
actions and Sven said happily, "Back home they always said, the
Vikings will win the Super Bowl when Hell freezes over!!!"

[McCoy]

A Pastor was walking past a pet shop one day when he noticed a
sign in the window: "Christian Horse for Sale." Being that the
Pastor owned a large ranch, he was immediately interested, and
went into the shop.

The owner took the Pastor out to the back, where he saw a
beautiful Arabian stallion. He agreed to allow the Pastor to
take a "test run."

The Pastor grabbed the reins. "giddyap." The horse ignored him.
"no, no," counseled the owner. This is a Christian horse. If
you want him to move, you must say, "Praise the Lord!" The
Pastor did as he was told, and the horse started off on a
leisurely walk. However, he soon found that the horse would not
stop. "He won't answer to 'Whoa', said the owner. It's "Amen."

The Pastor decided that he liked the horse, so he bought him
and took him home to his ranch in the country. He saddled the
horse up again, said, "Praise the Lord," and went riding into
the countryside.

Suddenly, the horse saw a rattlesnake crossing the path.
Frightened, he reared and bolted straight for a cliff.

The Pastor cried "whoa!" but the horse only ran faster. In
vain, he tried one word after another. Finally, he remembered
the correct command and screamed "AMEN!!!!!" just as the horse
approached the edge of the cliff.

The Pastor was so thrilled that his life had been saved that he
raised his hands to the sky and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD!"