Just jokes...

[McCoy]

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders
were clear: No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker
on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated
in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a
sticker on the windshield."

The general said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I
have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm
new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"

[McCoy]

A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening
just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the
evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and
heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the
line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact,
three doctors are there already!"

[McCoy]

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is
consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his
trial, the conversation went something like this:

Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal
offense?" Man: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case,
I'll explain what happened."

Judge: "Proceed." Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had
anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I
see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish.

I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the
fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed
the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as
well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on
the ground."

Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your
testimony."

15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.

Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and
because you didn't intend to kill the Eagle, the court will
dismiss the charges. But if you don't mind the court asking,
what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"

Man: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can
describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor
and a Spotted Owl."

[McCoy]

Top Twenty Countdown of the Best Oxymorons...

#20 Found missing
#19 Resident alien
#18 Airline food
#17 Same difference
#16 Government organization
#15 Sanitary landfill
#14 Alone together
#13 Business ethics
#12 Sweet sorrow
#11 Military intelligence
#10 Plastic glasses
#9 Terribly pleased
#8 Definite Maybe
#7 Pretty Ugly
#6 Computer Security
#5 Political science
#4 Diet ice cream
#3 Working vacation
#2 Exact estimate
#1 Microsoft Works

[McCoy]

A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her
BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl
in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more
individual, perhaps a MG convertible.

That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a
beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored
and she fell in love with it's gorgeous red paint job. An empty
check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country
lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was
flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could
possibly go wrong?

At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the
car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet
and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody
clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her
and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a
bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the
matter?" "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."

"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the
engine was purring like a cat again.

"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?" "Simple
really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.

Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK... How many times a week do
I have to do that?"

[McCoy]

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant
when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their
table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him
later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who
was that??!!"

"Oh" replies the husband, "that was my mistress." "That's it,"
says the wife, "I want a divorce."

"Ok," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce
there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in
the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country
club. But, the decision is yours."

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the
restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who is that woman with Jim?"
she asks.

"That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is much
better looking." says the wife.

[Tom Houlihan]

TOP 10 GUN SAFETY TIPS

10. Always keep your gun pointed in a safe direction, such as at a hippy or a Communist.
9. Dumb children may get a hold of your guns and shoot each other. If your children are dumb, put them up for adoption to protect your guns.
8. No matter how responsible he seems, never give your gun to a monkey.
7. If guns make you nervous, drink a bottle of whiskey before heading to the range.
6. When unholstering your weapon, it's customary to say "Excuse me while I whip this out."
5. Don't load your gun unless you are ready to shoot something, or are just feeling generally angry.
4. If your gun misfires, never look down the barrel to inspect it. Have someone else do that for you.
3. Never use your pistol to whip someone. That could mar the finish.
2. No matter how excited you are about buying your first gun, do not run around yelling "I have a gun! I have a gun!"
1. And the most important rule of gun safety: Don't Piss Me Off!!!

[Tom Houlihan]

Can't vouch for the validity of this message, but ya gotta love the Marines!

In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility,
all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air
Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting
Iranian airspace.

This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them
your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and
destination.

I just flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard
(emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai. It's too
good not to pass along. The conversation went something like this...

Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft at (location unknown), you are in
Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'

Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our
airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up,
I'll wait!'

Air Defense Radar: (no response ... Total silence)

Semper Fi!

[Goldenraven]

Germany's last Brummbar produced by the plate bodies, hoods and cartons that remained in germany.

[Tom Houlihan]

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good!'

Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F*ck the Indians,'

'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.

'General Custer, 1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'

Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, 'Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!'

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "I think it was the Republican Party, November 4, 2008."