Don't mess with God!

[Tom Houlihan]

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for more than 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure.

Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "How long has it been since you had a good cigar."

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars.

He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag.

"Faith and b'gorrah," said the man, "that is so good.

I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket, removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink.

"Tis the nectar of the Gods!" stated the Irishman. "Truly fantastic."

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus,

Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there, too!"

[Tom Houlihan]

A lot of folks can't understand how we came To have an oil shortage here in our country.

Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical.

Our OIL is located in Alaska, California, Coastal Florida, Coastal Louisiana, Kansas, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, and Texas

Our DIPSTICKS are ALL located in Washington, DC !!!

Any Questions ???
NO? I didn't Think So.

[Tom Houlihan]

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been goi ng to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
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So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
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She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
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Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
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"Morris Fishbien," he replied."Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
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"For about 60 years.""60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
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"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims." "I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
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"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
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"Like I'm talking to a f*ckin' wall."

[Tom Houlihan]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have di nner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time . The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.' The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

[Tom Houlihan]

SADDAM'S COMPLETE OBITUARY

All the obits written about Saddam were incomplete. All left out a complete listing of all his surviving sons and daughters, a corrected paragraph follows.

He was predeceased by two sons, Uday and Qusay, and is survived by 15 sons:
Sooflay, a restauranteur;
Guday, who lives in Australia;
Hurray, a sports fanatic;
Sashay, who is gay;
Kuntay and Kintay, twins living in Africa;
Sayhay, a baseball player;
Ojay, a stalker and murderer;
Gulay, a singer and tertainer;
Ebay, an internet entrepreneur;
Biliray, a country music star;
Ecksray, a radiologist;
Puray, a manufacturer of kitchen blenders;
Raygay, who lives in Jamaica;
Tupay, who is bald, and by seven daughters:
Lattay, a coffee-shop owner;
Bufay, a big eater;
Dushay, owner of a feminine-care-products company;
Phayray, anactress;
Sapheway, a grocery store owner;
Ollay, who lives in Mexico;
and Gudlay, a prostitute.

There is reportedly another surviving son, Oyvay, but he has been disowned
by the family.

[Tom Houlihan]

As a teacher, Ms. Jones, was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas.

She called on young Patrick Murphy. "Tell me Patrick what do you do at Christmas time?", she asked.

Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."

"Very nice Patrick", she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"

"Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to Church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing 'What a Friend We Have in Jesus.' Then we all go to the Bahamas."

[Tom Houlihan]

They're staring at another man, at the bar, when suddenly the Irishman says, 'It's Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint Of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a Bottle of Black Horse.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement, 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone.
It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Newfie who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God. 'What's wrong my son?' asked Jesus.

The Newfie shouts, 'F*ck off, I'm on workers compensation.'

[Tom Houlihan]

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was the breeding bull exhibit. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "See .... He mated 50 times last year ... that's once-a-week."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year."

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year !"

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's rib, said, "That's Once-a-DAY !! You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband just looked at her and said...... "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

[Tom Houlihan]

Sumsing Turbo 3000 Cellphone