Laughety laugh laugh

[Klaus]

Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.
"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant. "Here, take this broom. Just point it at the Germans, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang'."
"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible) recruit.
The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and attaches it to the handle end. "Here, use this... just go, 'Stabity Stab Stab'."

The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom.
Suddenly, a German soldier charges at him.
The recruit points the broom. "Bangety Bang Bang!" The German falls dead.
More Germans appear. The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes "Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy by the dozens.

Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one German soldier walking slowly toward him. "Bangety Bang Bang! shouts the recruit.

The German keeps coming.

"Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail. He gets desperate.
"Bangety Bang Bang! Stabity Stab Stab!"

It's no use. The German keeps coming. He stomps the recruit into the ground, and says...

"Tankety Tank Tank."

[Tom Houlihan]

I really wish I could take credit for this:

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT


The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that
the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of
course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".

[Lancer44]

Polish press is usually full of optimistic news from Iraq. They showing how Polish sappers are fixing schools, co-operation between Iraqis and Poles is good, everything is progressing in a right direction, etc, etc.

Not long ago, Parliamentary Commission in Warsaw, which is dealing with defence matters, received strongly voiced complaint from Iraqi community near Polish base.

Commision decided to act and immediately despatched three members to Iraq to investigate. Delegates met Iraqi official which complained.
After initial talks Iraqi suggested viewing Tiger River.
Upon arrival delegates could see really holiday scene. Three Polish soldiers laughing their guts off were in fast motor boat towing Iraqi bloke on a water skis.
Boys in the boat were obviously very happy, yelling and waving to Iraqi bloke on the skis, which also yelled something to them.

- Hmm - one of the Polish parliamentarians voiced his opinion:
- As I can see it, they have fun! What is wrong with Polish soldiers having fun with Iraqi men?
- Having fun??? - complaining Iraqi official become visibly agitated - They just fishing crocodiles and this bloke is their live bait!!!

Cheers,

Lancer44

[Tom Houlihan]

A woman was in a coma following a car accident. Although her injuries had healed, she'd stayed in the coma for months, giving no response.

The nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath.

One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.

They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement.

They went to the doctor and told him.

The doctor went to her husband and explained what had happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but was assured that they'd close the curtains round the bed for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes, alarms went off - the woman's monitor had flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses ran back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure, I think she might have choked."

[Klaus]

Ok. This is a reeeeaal evil one (but I love it). If you got a loved one who is suffering from incurable illness please skip this one...

Imagine: Christmas morning. Two children, Fritz and Peter, run towards the Tannenbaum to unpack their gifts.

Peter starts first and has huge loot: a mountain-bike, a X-box360 with 8 Games, Inlineskates and 7 DVDs.

Fritz, sitting next to him, opens his presents and this is what he got: A pair of socks and a candybar.

Peter looks at Fritz's loot and shouts: "HA HA! Could it be that our parents love me more than you?!"

Fritz answers: "HA HA! Could it be that you got cancer?