stories a German History Prof told

[Brett]

Some stories a German history prof I had told his class:



<talking about a battle in the Russo-Turkish War, 1878(?) >

… Imagine if you had a bird’s eye view of this battle
as the mighty Russian horde smashed through Turkish
lines, their troops shouting, “UrRah! UrRah!” almost
as if Tchaikovsky’s ”March Slave” is accompanying the
action.

Then out of the corner of your eye, you notice someone
fleeing the battle as fast as his legs can carry him. He
doesn’t stop until he reaches America. And that is my
Grandfather.

My family has a long & distinguished history of cowardice.
During the Battle of the Bulge, an uncle of mine was
driving around his captain in a jeep. He turned a corner,
and a German Tiger tank was at the other end of the
road!

The uncle immediately began yelling, “Kameradin!
Kameradin! I surrender! I surrender! (pointing to
the captain) Shoot him, not me!” The captain looks
at him in disgust as he pulls out a pistol and starts
firing at the Tiger. The uncle puts the jeep in reverse
and flees at 80 KPH, while the captain bangs away
at the Germans …

************************************************** *

… The Ottoman empire was extremely backward.
An example of its reactionary character, which the
Prof said he actually heard that it happened:

An electrical dynamo salesman was expounding
on the features of his ware to the sultan -- “…and
Your Excellency, this baby does 1,500 revolutions
a minute.”

So the sultan has the salesman beheaded.

************************************************** *

… The Junkers of Prussia were also utterly reactionary
in just about everything. Everything, that is except
military technology. There they were quite forward
looking.

For instance, one Junker takes a new fangled machine
gun (this is 1870s(?)) into a locked barn with a herd
of sheep. He emerges victorious. An astounding military
victory.


************************************************** *

… Royalty are cousin marrying, incredible interbred imbeciles.
A King of one of the German states before German unification
was having a state dinner. He ended up picking up a bowl
of soup & pouring it over his head. While the noodles slowly
oozed down his face, he grinned idiotically at the other dinners.

Others there reacted stereotypically. The Russian ambassador
pulled out a piece of paper, wrote something down, & put it
back in his pocket. The British ambassador kept a stiff upper
lip, writing later in his diary that something “uncouth” had
happened that night.

The French ambassador fainted dead away. The American
ambassador slapped his knee and roared.


************************************************** *

… The Prussian-Danish War of 1864 ended with Prussia annexing
Schleswig-Holstein. You can visit there and pet the Holstein cows.
I recommend that the men in the audience go in July, when
the girls in their bikinis are out harvesting. A sight I did not
expect to see & caused me to almost total my rental car in
the nearest ditch.

(This from a very Jewish Prof) … There IS something to
Aryan supremacy.


************************************************** *

Why are there so many wars in history? A US E. Coast Psychologist
said it was because people associate wars with parades. Why do
people like parades? Well, he timed the beat of the most popular
marches and it matched the timing of contractions in childbirth.

Ergo, wars are an attempt to recreate birth. Back came a reply from
a US W. Coast Psychologist - Sir, to use the non clinical term:
You are a raving nut!” The US E. Coast Psychologist reply?
“I am going to take the 1st plane to the West Coast and whoop
your ass”

It is wonderful how sophisticated American intellectual argument
is.

************************************************** *


“Masochistic students plead with me, ‘please, PLEASE
tell us Hitler could have won the war’. There aint no way!
GM alone could have won the war – and they wouldn’t have
even had to switch to war production.

Imagine how demoralizing it would have been for cars
(built on the lines of the exploding Pintos) to be raining
down on German cities – along with the occasional blockbuster
bomb (A Mack truck loaded to the gunwales with C-rations).
Germany would have surrendered within a week!”